Where Did my Dreams Go?

It's been a while. Yes, it's been over 8 months since I've posted a blog entry. I was just reading my last entry and it made me sad. I sound like such a go-getter in that post. I sound determined to not give-up. A part of me misses that confidence and determination and another, more cynical part of me, wonders if I was just fooling myself. Was I just chasing wild dreams? Were my goals just delusions of grandeur? Had I really found my passion, my niche, my place in the world? I wish I knew. But more importantly, I wish I had some dreams and goals today, whether they be unrealistic or not. I have always loved the quote by Langston Hughes: "Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams dies, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." While my dreams and goals have changed throughout my life, I have always had them. They kept me going. They gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. They gave me hope. Now, for the first time since I can remember, I feel dreamless. I feel like I'm living day by day, just hoping to pass my classes and pay my bills. I know I want a college degree (in anything at this point), but I have no idea what I want to do with it. I don't have any direction and it's driving me insane. Am I still a sassy scientist? I don't know. I don't know if the D's and F's that are on my transcript from last year are a reflection of my ability or a reflection of not trying hard enough or just a reflection of a bad year. I don't know if changing my major to biology (yes, it's true, Chemistrina has left chemistry) was giving up or running away or just plain laziness. I know that I think my classes are boring and finding the motivation to pull myself through them has been excruciating. I know that I have turned into the student who skims the chapter summaries right before the exams in hopes of just getting a C. I know that I have become the student who misses classes and often comes late. I know that I can't seem to turn in assignments on time. I know that I usually draw pictures instead of taking notes in class and that time seems to tick by so very slowly during lectures that I can barely stand it. So, there you have it, it has taken me months to gather up the courage to put this out here. I know all this is happening but I don't know why. I've never, until now, been this kind of person. In this detached phase I am experiencing, I haven't felt that I had much to say about my journey as an aspiring scientist, hence the 8 months of silence.



On a happier note, my lack of studying has provided me with the time to go to the gym 5 times a week, watch plenty of enertaining TV sitcoms, and read books that are not in any sense academic. I also get much more sleep since I've thrown in the towel when it comes to staying up half the night studying.



As with most everything in life, nobody can really help me but myself. So, I keep on skating by, hoping that tomorrow I will suddenly come up with a brilliant plan for my future. It turns out that Google does not provide useful answers when you search for such things as, "What should I do with my life?" and "How do I find a dream?" As I wait for Google's search engine to improve, at least I am increasing my muscle mass and becoming knowledgable in TV trivia.