Tell It Like It Is

As my previous blog posts have revealed, I discovered my inner sassy scientist in the supportive, encouraging atmosphere of a community college which I will forever hold near and dear to my heart. When it was time to leave the safety of my community college so that I could continue my education, I decided to transfer to Small Town University because I was enticed by the illusion that the two schools would offer similar atmospheres. While I had gained much confidence during my time at community college, I feared throwing myself into the cutthroat atmosphere of a large research university. I was fooled into thinking that at a smaller school without graduate students, professors would be focused on teaching and mentoring. I didn’t expect to be treated like a baby. I knew that nobody was going to hold my hand the whole way. However, I did expect that the professors would care about my success and see me as a valuable student. I came to them with excellent grades, internship experience in my field, a Science Student of the Year award, and a false belief that all these things would be viewed as impressive.

There are a couple of professors at Small Town University’s chemistry department who did care and to them I am grateful. Unfortunately, their attitude is not a shared one. It wasn’t long before the sales pitch that I fell for was eroded by the truth. I quickly learned that I had not escaped my fears. I was faced with being in courses where the average on an exam is in the 40% range. I dealt with being advised to take a course load that by any standards would be next to impossible to complete successfully. I had to interact with a chemistry stockroom manager who thought it was his duty to protect the chemistry supplies by blaming the students for breaking everything (I paid my lab fees… this is college, shit breaks!). As my grades began to plummet, I began to be confronted with comments about “weeding myself out” and “not belonging in the department”. And then, there was the blatant, without a doubt, complete sexist treatment that occurred right in front of my face. I couldn’t take it. Call me a quitter, but I know my limits. I knew that I could not stay in that atmosphere and remain mentally and physically healthy. So I ran. I changed majors. I refused to retake the courses I received D’s and F’s in because I couldn’t bear to face those people again.

And then there is my friend whom we will refer to as Z. Both Z and I transferred to Small Town University’s chemistry department at the same time. Z transferred from a different community college but our stories are similar. We are both the same age and we both overcame difficult life circumstances before finding our passion for science. Z, however, is not a force to be reckoned with. Unlike me, she refused to let the unsupportive atmosphere at Small Town University stop her. We spent a year together in the chemistry department and the following year she stayed while I made my way to the biology department. She retook the courses that she did poorly in and received better grades. This marks her third and final year at Small Town University. She is graduating from the chemistry department (WITH HONORS!!! TAKE THAT!) and was just accepted into a HIGHLY competitive Ph.D. program where she will be doing the research of her dreams. This entire time she has put up with all sorts of stuff that I won’t go into detail about. Not only has she prevailed, she is going to do what nobody else has had the guts to do: she is going to speak up about the unfair treatment that certain students (such as herself) have had to endure.
I’m ok with my decision. I had to do what was best for me and I will make the best of it. But words can’t express how proud I am of Z. I wish I was as strong as her but knowing that someone is speaking up, even if it’s not me, makes me breathe easier.