I Have Nothing to Prove

Yesterday, as I walked up to the science building to take my last final I suddenly came to a realization. I realized why I've been avoiding the chemistry department. For some time now, I have spent the minimal amount of time required of me in that building: I go to class and then quickly leave. Aside from with one professor, who is different from the others, I keep my conversations strictly business. And even then, I'd rather Wikipedia the damn question than go talk to any of them. I've been puzzled about my attitude. Those of you who visited me at "my table" in the halls of my previous science building can understand what a stark contrast this is to how I used to be. The science building at my other campus feels like a second home. It's warm and inviting and I feel enveloped with positive energy when I walk in the building. Sure I had rough days there, but mostly the days at "my table" are remembered fondly. I grew up there. I went from being an unconfident, shy (it's true!!!), quiet (also true!), and unhappy teenager to an obstreperous, sassy, confident, passionate, high-achieving, science-loving young woman in those hallways. Those science classes and the professors who taught them (and of course some of the non-science courses as well!) helped me to find my light. Being in that building brought out the best in me. I was surrounded by people who made it unmistakebly clear that they believed in me and expected nothing but greatness from me. It wasn't that they kept me under liters of pressure or that they spoon-fed me to success. Just knowing that they saw such potential in me was enough to inspire me. I had my own internal motivation but plenty of external motivation as well. The external motivation is missing now. The science building feels cold and uninviting. Yes, the department is small and everyone knows me but still I feel invisible. I feel like I am constantly expected to prove my worth in the department and that if I fail to do so nobody is really going to care (except that one professor). I know that I need to be able to depend on my internal motivation because I can't always count on others to give me that support and encouragement. I know that the environment I had at my other campus was rare. I also know that it makes things a hell of a lot harder without that external motivation. That is why I've been avoiding the building. Why should I prove myself to you if you don't even care whether I succeed as a scientist or not? Ok, maybe you care but only because you want retention in your department not because you have any interest in me as an individual . I love science and I'll always love science. It's who I am. I can fail exams, I can fail out of the department, but you can't take away my passion for the subject. It's always been a part of me and always will be. It seems like every other week there is an article in the news about how we don't have enough scientists in this country. So, here I am, a young woman who has demonstrated passion and aptitude for the subject. What more do I have to prove? Those two qualities are hard enough to find (three counting the fact that I'm a woman). Stop making me prove myself at every moment. Stop threatening that I might be "weeded out". You aren't doing yourself, me, or science, a favor by trying to see if I'm weak enough to break. Oh, and by the way, there's no breaking this one.
My intramolecular forces are far too strong.