I Have Nothing to Prove

Yesterday, as I walked up to the science building to take my last final I suddenly came to a realization. I realized why I've been avoiding the chemistry department. For some time now, I have spent the minimal amount of time required of me in that building: I go to class and then quickly leave. Aside from with one professor, who is different from the others, I keep my conversations strictly business. And even then, I'd rather Wikipedia the damn question than go talk to any of them. I've been puzzled about my attitude. Those of you who visited me at "my table" in the halls of my previous science building can understand what a stark contrast this is to how I used to be. The science building at my other campus feels like a second home. It's warm and inviting and I feel enveloped with positive energy when I walk in the building. Sure I had rough days there, but mostly the days at "my table" are remembered fondly. I grew up there. I went from being an unconfident, shy (it's true!!!), quiet (also true!), and unhappy teenager to an obstreperous, sassy, confident, passionate, high-achieving, science-loving young woman in those hallways. Those science classes and the professors who taught them (and of course some of the non-science courses as well!) helped me to find my light. Being in that building brought out the best in me. I was surrounded by people who made it unmistakebly clear that they believed in me and expected nothing but greatness from me. It wasn't that they kept me under liters of pressure or that they spoon-fed me to success. Just knowing that they saw such potential in me was enough to inspire me. I had my own internal motivation but plenty of external motivation as well. The external motivation is missing now. The science building feels cold and uninviting. Yes, the department is small and everyone knows me but still I feel invisible. I feel like I am constantly expected to prove my worth in the department and that if I fail to do so nobody is really going to care (except that one professor). I know that I need to be able to depend on my internal motivation because I can't always count on others to give me that support and encouragement. I know that the environment I had at my other campus was rare. I also know that it makes things a hell of a lot harder without that external motivation. That is why I've been avoiding the building. Why should I prove myself to you if you don't even care whether I succeed as a scientist or not? Ok, maybe you care but only because you want retention in your department not because you have any interest in me as an individual . I love science and I'll always love science. It's who I am. I can fail exams, I can fail out of the department, but you can't take away my passion for the subject. It's always been a part of me and always will be. It seems like every other week there is an article in the news about how we don't have enough scientists in this country. So, here I am, a young woman who has demonstrated passion and aptitude for the subject. What more do I have to prove? Those two qualities are hard enough to find (three counting the fact that I'm a woman). Stop making me prove myself at every moment. Stop threatening that I might be "weeded out". You aren't doing yourself, me, or science, a favor by trying to see if I'm weak enough to break. Oh, and by the way, there's no breaking this one.
My intramolecular forces are far too strong.

I'm a scientist, not a super hero!

I said I wanted to be a chemist, not a super-human freak of nature. I'm a supporter of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Who decided that scientists are above the rest of society and don't need that category of the pyramid entitled "BASIC NEEDS"? There is a reason why those basic needs (water, food, sleep, breathing, homeostasis, excretion) are at the FOUNDATION of the pyramid. They aren't supposed to be optional. I would like to point out that eating and sleeping are placed in the same category as breathing and excretion. So, if you (whoever you are) think that I should deny myself food and sleep for the sake of my success then that is as ludricous as saying I should hold my breath and never go to the bathroom. If dedication is about ignoring basic human needs then I guess I better have a catheter strapped to my leg because we all know bathroom breaks are a huge waste of time.

I'm smart. I work hard. I have what it takes. What I don't have is the ability to sacrifice my basic human needs in order to rise to the echelons of the scientific community. I surrender. You win. You're better than me because you don't have to eat or sleep or piss or breathe. Yay for you. I'm out to find the balance between science and a sound mind. I think it is absolutely ridiculous that I should even have to think about sacrificing so much of life in order to be successful and I refuse to play that game. Maybe I won't graduate with honors, maybe I won't have pages upon pages listing my publications, maybe few people will know who I am and what I do, maybe I'll never win an award during my career. BUT, I don't care. I won't feel like I'm less successful. I'm out to find the career that lets me love science but also lets me eat, sleep, socialize, and be human. I want all the levels of the pyramid, including the foundation.

A Chemical Valentine: Exploring my Love for Chemistry

In case anyone asks, "Did you ever have days where you weren't excited about chemistry?" The answer is officially, "Yes". I am known for my enthusiasm, my eagerness to learn, and my curiousity. But, lateley, I'm not feeling any of those things. I find myself fantasizing about having a job naming paint colors, or being a tattoo artist, or just running away to become a professional beach bum. Sure, I know I'd get bored, but that doesn't take away from the great illusion of being well rested, perfectly content, and permanently sun-kissed. It concerns me that I don't have that spark of excitement in my eyes at all times and that everything just feels like WORK. I thought I'd never feel this way. I thought that chemistry would always be fun, no matter how challenging it became. I really believed that my excitement was just who I was and that it set me apart. Now I feel like another whiner..... "this is hard, I'm tired, why do I have to do this, I just want to sleep, I need a vacation, whine whine whine. I wonder if this is normal? Do people who are passionate about their area of study go through a honeymoon phase? I wonder if it's like a relationship, you start out in limmerance with dopamine and other mood lifting neurotransmitters flooding your brain and you think that you'll feel like that forever. Inevitably the newness wears off. If you're lucky, though, you find someone who you love even without those mood lifting neurotransmitters. Some days they might not be your favorite person. Sometimes they might annoy you. Every once in a while you need to go away for the weekend. That doesn't mean you want to cut them out of your life or divorce them. I think this is how I'm feeling about chemistry right now. I love it dearly. I'm committed to it. I want to live with it forever. It's still my favorite subject and I can't imagine life without it. But relationships take a lot of time, a lot of work, and a lot of sacrifice and so does chemistry. So, you may ask, how do I have time to blog? Why am I not working on my studies? Or, better yet, why am I not sleeping right now? Well, it turns out blogging is much cheaper than therapy.

BEWARE: Someday I may mention you in my book!!!

Let me begin this post by making the following disclaimer:

There are many people in my life whose words I remember because of the positive influence they have on my scientific journey as well as my life in general. Hint: you people are the ones who actually get to read my blog. In addition, I'm not out to keep a list of people who I'm going to retaliate against one day because they said something ridiculous. In fact, I'm sure, that some (not all) of the people who make comments like the one I'm about to describe do not mean to discourage, slander, discriminate or otherwise sound like a jerk. But, here is my rant:

Today, Dr. P said the following, "There are two types of scientists: physicists and stamp collectors. In other words, those who know and understand what they are doing and those who don't know what they are doing. I call those who don't know what they are doing stamp collectors because their science is really just a hobby and once someone finds out that they
don't understand what they are doing they will have to find a new hobby."

Are you F***ING kidding me??? Yeah, totally, it's that black and white. Real science and fake science. This is what was going on in my head but I played Dr.P's game. I decided to ask him a few questions about himself and pretended to be genuinely interested in what he had to say. He seems like the type that wants to tell you all about how great he is (since he's a real scientist and all). And, I actually am interested, but not in an admiration kind of way- more like a "how the hell did you get these crazy ideas in your head?" kind of way. He revealed that his Ph.D. is in physical chemistry from a rather respected institution. So, Dr. P, why didn't you just become a physicist? Then you could really know everything.

Does the guy really mean what he said? Does he have any clue how pompous he sounds? Does he realize that his class is full of people who have dreams and goals, many of which do not include much beyond a general physics understanding? Does he realize that some of us have had to work our asses off to come this far and that despite the fact that quantum mechanics are not our cup of tea we actually are valuable individuals who have much to offer the scientific community?

I'm smart enough to know that as much as I disagree with the guy, I have to keep my mouth shut and make the best out of the situation for my own sake. For now, I'll smile, I'll laugh at your jokes, I'll come to you for help, I'll let you talk about yourself and tell me how grand you are. But, watch out Dr. P, you may just be mentioned in my book someday. And, it won't be on account of your mentoring skills.