Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not quiet. In fact, I have a bit of a volume control problem. My voice tends to fluctuate from a bearly audible whisper directly to an enthusiastic shriek that carries across rooms and hallways; there is not much middle ground when it comes to my voice. The whisper and loud shriek are definitely not in equilibrium as the loud shriek is favored and more energetically stable. As a result, I don't have much trouble making myself heard. Much of the time when I think I am being quiet the whole room can hear me. And let's not even talk about what happens when you get me laughing!
If being heard was all about volume, matters would be simplified. However, as we are all aware, being heard is also about effectively communicating yourself. Of course we all find ourselves having communication breakdowns now and then but typically I am used to having my opinions heard, even respected. I currently find myself in a situation where I feel that I'm not being listened to and I don't like it! I am in a leadership role at school and while I get the impression that the faculty respect my opinions and ideas I don't feel that my fellow peer leaders are very receptive to what I have to say. I don't know how to make myself heard without sounding overbearing or bossy. It's not that I want everything done my way, I just want to know that my ideas are being considered instead of feeling like they are being shot down on the spot.
Since I am so in tune with issues that women in science or in leadership roles face, I fear that I am just extra sensitive. You know, when you study a certain subject intently and you start to see it everywhere? Well, I don't want that to happen here. I don't want to cry, "Oh, the boys won't listen to me!" But yet, when one of the guys repeated an idea I had to the head of our group it suddenly was accepted. Did he actually not hear me? Is it because I am new and I haven't proven myself yet? Is it because he doesn't like me? Am I intimidating?
I want to be heard and it's not just about me. It's about the other students that we are supposed to be leading. I care about what they think of us. I care that we present ourselves in an organized and enthusiastic manner so that we can inspire these students to get involved.
I want to be heard but I also want to make friends, not enemies.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Can You Hear Me Now?
Posted by Sassy Scientist at 7:33 PM
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3 comments:
I'd love to hear what the psychologists and the sociologists have to say about this. The desire to be heard resonates particulary loudly with me. I've spent the last few days talking to many people about something very important to me which seems unresolved in my head. I came to work this morning and this quote was in my email box and really got me thinking about the way I talk to be heard and how I talk to learn (and maybe they are sometimes the same thing and sometimes not)...."Talking a lot about something that bothers you, Rachel, is a pretty good sign that you've got something huge, and profoundly liberating, to learn." I believe, at this point in my life, I talk a lot more now to learn (about myself, the world and others) and think less about being heard. As the wise Christina has experienced, saying something to people--strangers, peers, friends and loved ones--is like gambling. My own tiny, simplistic, Pollyanna belief is that if you keep on talking (in any volume) with integrity, intelligence and respect you will always get heard by the people who both need to hear you and by whom it is most important to be heard. Those who talk over, around or behind you are not yet ready to hear the fantastic things you have to say!
This is what I spent years in therapy learning! I had to pay someone to listen to me until I found my own confidence in my own opinion. I agree with Rachel that talking and writing about a problem are great ways to get to a resolution to a problem. I learned when I had a dog that it didn't matter what was going on in the brain of the listener so much as that I was talking about it out loud. Just now, I flashed on the image from that movie "Cast Away" where he was noodling out how he could get off the island and he was talking to a volley ball with a face painted on it. Profound. The audience really doesn't matter, as long as you are thinking about the problem.
Thank you both for your insightful comments! I think that as I am trying to be heard I am also trying to learn how to lead. So, Rachel, you are definitely on to something with the whole learning while talking hypothesis. We should call it the Knoxwachter Hypothesis.
I am also secretly envisioning the boys' heads as volleyballs when I talk to them now. Hopefully I don't slip and call one of them Wilson.
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