I'm a scientist, not a super hero!

I said I wanted to be a chemist, not a super-human freak of nature. I'm a supporter of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Who decided that scientists are above the rest of society and don't need that category of the pyramid entitled "BASIC NEEDS"? There is a reason why those basic needs (water, food, sleep, breathing, homeostasis, excretion) are at the FOUNDATION of the pyramid. They aren't supposed to be optional. I would like to point out that eating and sleeping are placed in the same category as breathing and excretion. So, if you (whoever you are) think that I should deny myself food and sleep for the sake of my success then that is as ludricous as saying I should hold my breath and never go to the bathroom. If dedication is about ignoring basic human needs then I guess I better have a catheter strapped to my leg because we all know bathroom breaks are a huge waste of time.

I'm smart. I work hard. I have what it takes. What I don't have is the ability to sacrifice my basic human needs in order to rise to the echelons of the scientific community. I surrender. You win. You're better than me because you don't have to eat or sleep or piss or breathe. Yay for you. I'm out to find the balance between science and a sound mind. I think it is absolutely ridiculous that I should even have to think about sacrificing so much of life in order to be successful and I refuse to play that game. Maybe I won't graduate with honors, maybe I won't have pages upon pages listing my publications, maybe few people will know who I am and what I do, maybe I'll never win an award during my career. BUT, I don't care. I won't feel like I'm less successful. I'm out to find the career that lets me love science but also lets me eat, sleep, socialize, and be human. I want all the levels of the pyramid, including the foundation.

A Chemical Valentine: Exploring my Love for Chemistry

In case anyone asks, "Did you ever have days where you weren't excited about chemistry?" The answer is officially, "Yes". I am known for my enthusiasm, my eagerness to learn, and my curiousity. But, lateley, I'm not feeling any of those things. I find myself fantasizing about having a job naming paint colors, or being a tattoo artist, or just running away to become a professional beach bum. Sure, I know I'd get bored, but that doesn't take away from the great illusion of being well rested, perfectly content, and permanently sun-kissed. It concerns me that I don't have that spark of excitement in my eyes at all times and that everything just feels like WORK. I thought I'd never feel this way. I thought that chemistry would always be fun, no matter how challenging it became. I really believed that my excitement was just who I was and that it set me apart. Now I feel like another whiner..... "this is hard, I'm tired, why do I have to do this, I just want to sleep, I need a vacation, whine whine whine. I wonder if this is normal? Do people who are passionate about their area of study go through a honeymoon phase? I wonder if it's like a relationship, you start out in limmerance with dopamine and other mood lifting neurotransmitters flooding your brain and you think that you'll feel like that forever. Inevitably the newness wears off. If you're lucky, though, you find someone who you love even without those mood lifting neurotransmitters. Some days they might not be your favorite person. Sometimes they might annoy you. Every once in a while you need to go away for the weekend. That doesn't mean you want to cut them out of your life or divorce them. I think this is how I'm feeling about chemistry right now. I love it dearly. I'm committed to it. I want to live with it forever. It's still my favorite subject and I can't imagine life without it. But relationships take a lot of time, a lot of work, and a lot of sacrifice and so does chemistry. So, you may ask, how do I have time to blog? Why am I not working on my studies? Or, better yet, why am I not sleeping right now? Well, it turns out blogging is much cheaper than therapy.

BEWARE: Someday I may mention you in my book!!!

Let me begin this post by making the following disclaimer:

There are many people in my life whose words I remember because of the positive influence they have on my scientific journey as well as my life in general. Hint: you people are the ones who actually get to read my blog. In addition, I'm not out to keep a list of people who I'm going to retaliate against one day because they said something ridiculous. In fact, I'm sure, that some (not all) of the people who make comments like the one I'm about to describe do not mean to discourage, slander, discriminate or otherwise sound like a jerk. But, here is my rant:

Today, Dr. P said the following, "There are two types of scientists: physicists and stamp collectors. In other words, those who know and understand what they are doing and those who don't know what they are doing. I call those who don't know what they are doing stamp collectors because their science is really just a hobby and once someone finds out that they
don't understand what they are doing they will have to find a new hobby."

Are you F***ING kidding me??? Yeah, totally, it's that black and white. Real science and fake science. This is what was going on in my head but I played Dr.P's game. I decided to ask him a few questions about himself and pretended to be genuinely interested in what he had to say. He seems like the type that wants to tell you all about how great he is (since he's a real scientist and all). And, I actually am interested, but not in an admiration kind of way- more like a "how the hell did you get these crazy ideas in your head?" kind of way. He revealed that his Ph.D. is in physical chemistry from a rather respected institution. So, Dr. P, why didn't you just become a physicist? Then you could really know everything.

Does the guy really mean what he said? Does he have any clue how pompous he sounds? Does he realize that his class is full of people who have dreams and goals, many of which do not include much beyond a general physics understanding? Does he realize that some of us have had to work our asses off to come this far and that despite the fact that quantum mechanics are not our cup of tea we actually are valuable individuals who have much to offer the scientific community?

I'm smart enough to know that as much as I disagree with the guy, I have to keep my mouth shut and make the best out of the situation for my own sake. For now, I'll smile, I'll laugh at your jokes, I'll come to you for help, I'll let you talk about yourself and tell me how grand you are. But, watch out Dr. P, you may just be mentioned in my book someday. And, it won't be on account of your mentoring skills.

Implanting Embryos Versus Implanting Knowledge

I am the oldest of my two sisters and thirteen cousins. I grew up in a close family where my cousins were like siblings. As a result, there were always babies in my life. For as far back as I can remember I have been changing diapers, burping babies, putting babies to sleep, giving babies their bottles, bathing babies, and dressing babies. I adored every baby in my family, but most of all my sisters. They were "my babies" and this is how I introduced them to people. I loved nothing more than helping my mom take care of them. Luckily, they have no permanent damage from a three year old carrying them around the house or putting them in a doll carriage. When I was 13 I job shadowed a doctor and watched a birth because I wanted to become an obstetrician (I gave that up once I learned that obstetricians are also gynecologists!). I have been crocheting baby booties since I was 15.

Call it a biological clock, or societal conditioning, or a result of my upbringing, or a combination of all three. Whatever it is, babies turn me to mush. Bring a baby in the room and all of my cynical, jaded wit is transformed into something I don't recognize. I become one of those strange people who wants to see the tiny little baby toes and who changes her voice to sound like a cheerleader who just inhaled helium. It's pathetic but the babies seem entertained.

As much as I love babies thinking of having my own someday brings up all kinds of questions and concerns. When I turned 23, the age my mother was when she had me, I thanked her for not killing me. Hell, I can barely keep a plant alive let alone a tiny human that can't talk and is dependent upon you for EVERYTHING. A part of me worries that I will miss my chance to have kids. I worry about finding someone to have one with (though these days that's not crucial). I worry that between school and a career there just won't be a good time to have a baby. I also worry that I'm just not cut out to be a mom. I fear that I will be one of those workaholic parents who is scarce. How does one find the energy and patience to work all day and then come home exhausted to juice boxes and Barney?

Then I consider the joy of being around those little minds. Sure, my childhood wasn't all roses and puppy dogs. But looking back, I realize I had it good. My mother was exceptional at letting me explore the world and learn by doing things. When I was two we were living in Germany and our back porch was filled with planter boxes. My mom designated one of the boxes as "Christina's garden" and let me have the whole thing to myself. I collected rocks and pinecones for my garden and with the help of my mom planted flowers and watched them grow. She let me catch bugs and bring them in the house. We even kept a caterpillar and watched as it went into a cocoon and hatched as a butterfly. We made our own playdough. She let me spend hours reading books in trees. She didn't complain when I did science experiments in the kitchen. She even bought me a microscope for Christmas one year. She never once yelled at me for painting myself with mud or mixing together strange concoctions of leaves, twigs and rainwater in the backyard.

I think I owe it to my mom, to society, and to myself, to foster a love for learning among those little minds. Perhaps I won't get the chance to pass on my genetics but I know first-hand that genes aren't everything. I like to believe that crossing over did not occur when I was being created and that I am a product of only my mother's gametes. If that isn't true than the only thing I got from the XY DNA is a lack of serotonin and the eyesight of an 80 year old who has presbyopia, myopia, and multiple cataracts.

Passing on your genes is one thing, but passing on your knowledge is what really makes you immortal.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not quiet. In fact, I have a bit of a volume control problem. My voice tends to fluctuate from a bearly audible whisper directly to an enthusiastic shriek that carries across rooms and hallways; there is not much middle ground when it comes to my voice. The whisper and loud shriek are definitely not in equilibrium as the loud shriek is favored and more energetically stable. As a result, I don't have much trouble making myself heard. Much of the time when I think I am being quiet the whole room can hear me. And let's not even talk about what happens when you get me laughing!

If being heard was all about volume, matters would be simplified. However, as we are all aware, being heard is also about effectively communicating yourself. Of course we all find ourselves having communication breakdowns now and then but typically I am used to having my opinions heard, even respected. I currently find myself in a situation where I feel that I'm not being listened to and I don't like it! I am in a leadership role at school and while I get the impression that the faculty respect my opinions and ideas I don't feel that my fellow peer leaders are very receptive to what I have to say. I don't know how to make myself heard without sounding overbearing or bossy. It's not that I want everything done my way, I just want to know that my ideas are being considered instead of feeling like they are being shot down on the spot.

Since I am so in tune with issues that women in science or in leadership roles face, I fear that I am just extra sensitive. You know, when you study a certain subject intently and you start to see it everywhere? Well, I don't want that to happen here. I don't want to cry, "Oh, the boys won't listen to me!" But yet, when one of the guys repeated an idea I had to the head of our group it suddenly was accepted. Did he actually not hear me? Is it because I am new and I haven't proven myself yet? Is it because he doesn't like me? Am I intimidating?

I want to be heard and it's not just about me. It's about the other students that we are supposed to be leading. I care about what they think of us. I care that we present ourselves in an organized and enthusiastic manner so that we can inspire these students to get involved.

I want to be heard but I also want to make friends, not enemies.

The Need to Achieve

There are few things in life that I consciously complete in a half-assed manner: making my bed, sweeping the floor, folding my clothes, and other such domestic duties. Hence the card on my bulletin board that says "domestically disabled".


With just about everything else in life, I strive to do my best. Yes, I know- perfection is an unattainable goal. No worries, I gave up perfection a few years ago. While I can give up being perfect, there is no giving up my innate need to put my all into everything. Most of the time, this need to achieve serves me well. It makes me a model student, an ideal employee....and oh, here lies the catch. The catch is that when you put all of yourself into everthing you do there isn't much room in your life.


I thrive on work and school. I complain about how I'm busy, tired, and don't have time for other activities. But, despite my complaints, I'm happy. I crave the hustle and bustle. I love being challenged. And for now, I suppose it is great that I am this way. It will get me through grad school and land me a great job. But then what?


While I'm not about to change my ways any time soon, I am aware that I need some balance. I need to take the time to foster relationships, to engage in activities away from work and school, and to enjoy my youth before it passes me by. Easier said than done.


My fear is not that I won't reach my academic or career goals but that I won't have the other things in my life that I would someday like to have. I guess, what I mean to say, is that I don't want to be alone. I also want to be a stellar mom, a great wife, and a loyal friend. I want to achieve at these things as well. I want to have it all. Right now, today, I'm not ready to say that I am willing to sacrifice any of these. I know I may have to, and that knowledge won't keep me from following the path I am following. But I also know that I have done a lot of things I didn't think I could. Perhaps I will be able to have it all. Only time will tell.

Ready to Conquer the World

I do not mean to imply that I wish to actually conquer the world. What I mean to say is that I am on the road to achieving more than I ever dreamed of. No longer do I cower in the shadows fearing incompetency, I say "Bring it on. If I can't do it, I'll learn how."

Last week I went to Xtown to attend an orientation and register for fall term courses. Being there made me reflect on how much I have changed, for the better, in the past three years. It was only three short years ago that I moved back to Ytown after moving away for a year. The circumstances of my move, both away from and back to Ytown, were certaintly not anything I want to brag about. Let's just say I did not have my shit together.

I found happiness in the most unexpected of places: in the periodic table, in dimensional analysis, in writing academically founded arguments, in taking derivatives, and in conversing with like-minded individuals who understood me. I learned to think for myself. I learned to like myself. As cliche as this sounds I cannot explain how free it feels to walk around happy in your own skin.

Never have I doubted that I liked science. What I did doubt was my ability to DO science. I was convinced I was stupid. Now I know that not only am I smart, I'm a hot ticket! I'm intelligent, have great work ethic, learn quickly, go above and beyond, and even have some decent social skills.

I no longer apologize for my existence. Instead, I shout "Watch out world, here I come!"

Thank you to everyone who has made me feel like a star. I'm the confident, happy, successful, lively person I am today because YOU took the time to show me how capable you believe I am.