Ready to Conquer the World

I do not mean to imply that I wish to actually conquer the world. What I mean to say is that I am on the road to achieving more than I ever dreamed of. No longer do I cower in the shadows fearing incompetency, I say "Bring it on. If I can't do it, I'll learn how."

Last week I went to Xtown to attend an orientation and register for fall term courses. Being there made me reflect on how much I have changed, for the better, in the past three years. It was only three short years ago that I moved back to Ytown after moving away for a year. The circumstances of my move, both away from and back to Ytown, were certaintly not anything I want to brag about. Let's just say I did not have my shit together.

I found happiness in the most unexpected of places: in the periodic table, in dimensional analysis, in writing academically founded arguments, in taking derivatives, and in conversing with like-minded individuals who understood me. I learned to think for myself. I learned to like myself. As cliche as this sounds I cannot explain how free it feels to walk around happy in your own skin.

Never have I doubted that I liked science. What I did doubt was my ability to DO science. I was convinced I was stupid. Now I know that not only am I smart, I'm a hot ticket! I'm intelligent, have great work ethic, learn quickly, go above and beyond, and even have some decent social skills.

I no longer apologize for my existence. Instead, I shout "Watch out world, here I come!"

Thank you to everyone who has made me feel like a star. I'm the confident, happy, successful, lively person I am today because YOU took the time to show me how capable you believe I am.

Is there an equation for that move?

It is no secret that science is my passion in life. If you want to see me saturated with enthusiasm just engage me in conversation regarding such topics as nuclear magnetic resonance, bacterial communication through quorom sensing, levels of protein structure, or nucleophilic substitution reactions. I admit that NOVA Science Now is one of my favorite television shows and that I anxiously await the arrival of my weekly edition of Chemical & Engineering News. As proud as I am to be a gushing science nerd, I think it is important to be a multi-faceted individual. This summer, my sister and I are taking weekly belly dancing courses. How is that for multi-faceted?

I have been intrigued with belly dancing for several years now. One of the things I find most appealing about this dance is how it embraces all body types. There is no need to go on a ballerina diet it you want to belly dance. In fact, it seems that the curves (the ones we are SUPPOSED to have) of a women are what makes it so beautiful. I admire that belly dancers are confident in exposing their bellies, whatever size they may be.

What I had not realized about belly dancing was how it would challenge me to think in a way I am not accustomed to. The way I think when I am doing science is the way I think about the world much of the time. My analytical, logical, and systematic critical thinking does not stay at my desk when I leave for the day. During belly dancing class I find myself wanting to shout, "Can you draw a diagram of that move using arrows to show the direction of muscle movement?" or "Is there an equation for that move?" When I fall behind in class I stop moving and observe the teacher, an intense look of concentration upon my face. During one of these moments, a couple of classes ago, I looked over at my sister. I could tell she was a bit lost too. However, she wasn't just standing there analyzing the situation. She was dancing away to her own interpration of the move. She didn't care that she couldn't follow each precise movement that the teacher was making. Looking at her made me realize that standing there was just making me fall behind further. I'm so used to being in my head that it feels strange to just let my body move in a free fall sort of way. An unexpected outcome of this course is that I am learning that sometimes in life you should just stop thinking and do something already; there is a such thing as OVER analysis. Maybe before my next class I should hit happy hour to quiet my frontal lobe a bit.

Thanks sis, for not being afraid to be who you are :).

Red Nail Polish and Safety Glasses

As a little girl I was different: you could not categorize me as a "tomboy" or a "girlie girl". I loved to wear dresses but also climb trees, and yes, I climbed tress while wearing dresses. I insisted on painting my nails an array of different colors but never did this stop me from getting my polished fingers into a mud puddle to create squishy mud pies. To school, I wore bows in my braided long hair but at recess I played with the boys. After all, they were the ones who knew how to have fun at recess by using the time to unearth beetles and worms. My favorite picture of me as a girl depicts this dichotomy perfectly: I am wearing my pink glasses and my nails are painted bright red. Yet, my hands are muddy and I am proudly holding up a large toad I had just caught at the lake.

I hadn't thought about this in many years, until recently, when realizing how my wardrobe has changed in the past few years. I used to concern myself much more with looking fashionable and trendy. These days, being trendy seems like too much work. I have better things to think about and pour my time and energy into (not to mention my money). But for some reason, maybe because it is summer, I have been more observant of young women my age who have darling little handbags to go with their cutsie little shoes that go perfect with their jewelry and nice clothes. Part of me says- yuck, barbie girls. The other part thinks, "have I let myself go?" People wouldn't guess I think this. I put up a front that says "I don't care about this stuff, I'm an intellectual with better things on my mind." Much of the time this front is probably the reality but at times, secretly, I yearn to be told I'm pretty. I do care when I go out with my more "done up" girlfriends and the guys oogle over them.

It seems the dichotomy from my youth has become much more complex. You see, I want to be taken seriously and to be seen as a smart woman. Yet, I don't want to give up all of my feminine indulgences. It's true- I like painting my nails, wearing jewelry, and having nice clothes. But I feel like wearing nail polish and black dress pants makes you look awfully silly when you are working in a chemistry lab. I feel like wearing a skirt to class when you are a chemistry major makes you look like you belong in a different department. I catch myself thinking, "this shirt is way too girly for work" or "I better avoid the red nail polish and stick with the clear." Why? Why do I feel like I have to tone my femininity down? I'm not sure what it is I'm picking up on, maybe it's just me, but I tend to be dead on when it comes to these unspoken rules.