Chronicles of a Sassy Scientist

Tell It Like It Is

2010-05-31T22:57:00.000-07:00

As my previous blog posts have revealed, I discovered my inner sassy scientist in the supportive, encouraging atmosphere of a community college which I will forever hold near and dear to my heart. When it was time to leave the safety of my community college so that I could continue my education, I decided to transfer to Small Town University because I was enticed by the illusion that the two schools would offer similar atmospheres. While I had gained much confidence during my time at community college, I feared throwing myself into the cutthroat atmosphere of a large research university. I was fooled into thinking that at a smaller school without graduate students, professors would be focused on teaching and mentoring. I didn’t expect to be treated like a baby. I knew that nobody was going to hold my hand the whole way. However, I did expect that the professors would care about my success and see me as a valuable student. I came to them with excellent grades, internship experience in my field, a Science Student of the Year award, and a false belief that all these things would be viewed as impressive.

There are a couple of professors at Small Town University’s chemistry department who did care and to them I am grateful. Unfortunately, their attitude is not a shared one. It wasn’t long before the sales pitch that I fell for was eroded by the truth. I quickly learned that I had not escaped my fears. I was faced with being in courses where the average on an exam is in the 40% range. I dealt with being advised to take a course load that by any standards would be next to impossible to complete successfully. I had to interact with a chemistry stockroom manager who thought it was his duty to protect the chemistry supplies by blaming the students for breaking everything (I paid my lab fees… this is college, shit breaks!). As my grades began to plummet, I began to be confronted with comments about “weeding myself out” and “not belonging in the department”. And then, there was the blatant, without a doubt, complete sexist treatment that occurred right in front of my face. I couldn’t take it. Call me a quitter, but I know my limits. I knew that I could not stay in that atmosphere and remain mentally and physically healthy. So I ran. I changed majors. I refused to retake the courses I received D’s and F’s in because I couldn’t bear to face those people again.

And then there is my friend whom we will refer to as Z. Both Z and I transferred to Small Town University’s chemistry department at the same time. Z transferred from a different community college but our stories are similar. We are both the same age and we both overcame difficult life circumstances before finding our passion for science. Z, however, is not a force to be reckoned with. Unlike me, she refused to let the unsupportive atmosphere at Small Town University stop her. We spent a year together in the chemistry department and the following year she stayed while I made my way to the biology department. She retook the courses that she did poorly in and received better grades. This marks her third and final year at Small Town University. She is graduating from the chemistry department (WITH HONORS!!! TAKE THAT!) and was just accepted into a HIGHLY competitive Ph.D. program where she will be doing the research of her dreams. This entire time she has put up with all sorts of stuff that I won’t go into detail about. Not only has she prevailed, she is going to do what nobody else has had the guts to do: she is going to speak up about the unfair treatment that certain students (such as herself) have had to endure.
I’m ok with my decision. I had to do what was best for me and I will make the best of it. But words can’t express how proud I am of Z. I wish I was as strong as her but knowing that someone is speaking up, even if it’s not me, makes me breathe easier.

Scientific Method vs. Love

2010-04-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

When you are a scientist, the way you analyze an experiment tends to be the way you analyze the world. You can’t help it. That is the way your brain works. I would argue that my neurons have been firing this way long before I took my first science course. I am analytical and logical. I make many observations before coming to opinions. I crave the facts. I need the evidence. I was applying the scientific method to explain the world around me before I knew that such a thing existed. Yes, taking science courses will strengthen these traits. But, it wasn’t science that made me this way. Rather, my brain happened to be wired in a way that made me a good candidate for pursuing science.

My point is that I tend to automatically apply the scientific method to EVERYTHING in my life. Life is much more complex than a lab. And by life, I don’t mean cells. I’m talking about our daily interactions with other humans and all the messy emotions that come with being human. Life is complicated and there are a zillion variables (more, I’m sure). Science can explain quite a bit about our lives, but then there are those abstract, hard to explain concepts that really can’t be completely explained by science. Say for instance….LOVE. I mean, what is love? Now there is a messy, complicated subject if I ever heard of one. First of all, love has so many different definitions. Let’s focus on just one type of love: the love people have for their romantic partners.

My rational self wants to say that love doesn’t exist in the way that most humans believe it to exist. Love is just a term that was created to describe the release of euphoria inducing chemicals in the brain upon partnering with a sexually attractive mate. Our society makes us believe that we are supposed to go out in the world as adults, fall in “love”, and then commit ourselves to the love of our lives forever. That makes no sense. Most animals are not monogamous and it sure doesn’t appear that humans were designed to be that way. Monogamous relationships, marriage, life partnerships….. these are all things that seem to go against our biology. I say: down with love. At least, that is what I tell myself.

Then there is the part I can’t explain with science: all the knowledge in the world doesn’t make me stop wanting someone to love me and me only. If men are programmed to go out and spread their energetically inexpensive genetic material and women are programmed to go through lots of men in order to find the best genes to pair with their energetically expensive genetic material, then why don’t our emotions match our biology? Is it because we believe in a fantasy and are continually disappointed when the fantasy doesn’t work out? If this is the case, then why does someone like me, someone who “knows the truth about love” still find themselves feeling love or feeling pain and hurt when their partner is not monogamous? I mean, how is loving someone so much that you would take a bullet for them evolutionarily advantageous? It’s not.

I’ve decided that maybe love is something that the scientific method should not be applied to, for the sake of my mental health. I guess even scientists need that fluffy, abstract, strange concept we call love.

America's Next Top Model or America's Next Top Scientist?

2010-04-11T23:46:00.000-07:00

A woman I work with recently asked me why I don't just become a model since I can't get a job in biology. I laughed.

Here is what I should have said:

This brain is not model material but I am flattered that you think the rest of me is. In other words, thanks but no thanks. Not to mention, I'm 5'7" not 5'11" and I'm a size 2 not a size 0. Oh yeah, and also, I didn't almost die of anorexia and then fight for my life just so I could throw myself into a tank full of cracked out anorexic and bulimic models.

I know I should be thankful that the woman thinks I'm pretty enough to be a model (I don't!) but the comment really is sad when you think about it.

B.S. or BS?

2010-04-11T23:13:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I have a fancy piece of paper sitting in an envelope on my desk which says that I have a B.S. in biology. There are times when I feel this piece of paper is useless and I dismiss its significance. After all, I have spent the past several months dealing with rejection after rejection. I have yet to find a job in science and am living paycheck to paycheck on a meager hourly wage doing a job that is not at all related to my field of study. Don't take it personally they say, it's just the recession.

This past week I interviewed for a position as an office specialist. The woman conducting the interview has a nursing degree and yet had the audacity to ask, "What does one do with a biology degree anyway?" Seriously? In the words of my soul sister Alanis Morissette: Isn't it ironic? I give up nursing to risk failure and do things for myself that I never thought I could do only to graduate and have a nurse ask me what good my science degree is? Needless to say, I did not get the position. It's probably for the best.

While my inclination is to curl up in the fetal position under my down covers, drink beer all day, and admit failure in science, I have to keep fighting. Truth be told, I cried when my diploma arrived in the mail. That piece of paper is a symbol of all I have fought to overcome and all the people who helped me along the way. It's not meaningless. I have to remember that every time I feel defeated...... if I don't know how meaningful that degree is, then I sure as hell can't convince anyone else.

I may be working in a bookstore, but I am still a sassy scientist and there is a place for me out there in this big world. I just have to get up from underneath my down covers and keep looking.

The Brain under the Outfit

2009-07-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

Last week a staff member at my university, who knows me only in the capacity of being a student employee, inquired as to what book I was reading. I told her I was reading Spook but did not bother to rattle off the whole title. I set my book down and proceeded to ring up her items (it’s summer, so yes, I am allowed to read at work when it’s slow). As she was about to turn around and leave she hesitated and then asked me what the book was about. After giving her the full title, Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife, and a brief description of the book, she asked about my major and then commented, “I now see you in a whole other dimension. You are no longer just the pretty girl in the pretty clothes. I was a little afraid to ask you what Spook was about because I assumed it was just some cheap romance, mystery novel.” HA!!!! Me???? Read something like that??? I’d rather come to work in my pajamas!

SURPRISE! There IS a brain under this outfit. And NO, not all fashion conscious young women in high heels equate the term "well read" with romance novels and Cosmopolitan magazine. I’ve met my goal. I don’t fit the mold. I’m not the stereotypical science nerd. I’m changing people’s perceptions one small step at a time. While I’m not offended by this woman’s comments (it’s not her fault that, like all of us, she is filled with unconscious stereotypes that have been beaten into her by our lovely society), it is a reminder that people are going to make assumptions about me based on how I look. It means I might have to work harder to prove myself and to get people to see who I really am. It’s worth it, though. I am up for the challenge because maybe, just maybe, this woman will think twice about the depths of intellectual capacity that may be beneath the next stylish, nail-polished, perfume-wearing, high-heeled, young woman she comes across.

It Takes All Kinds

2009-04-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

I realize that the following are broad generalizations and that not everybody fits into one of these categories. However, these are my observations of the overall population of biology students I currently find myself amongst. As a chemistry major, I noticed a similar division among the students.Take what you will from it. I was going to apologize for offending anyone but then I realized that it's not my fault if you don't have a good sense of humor about life and don't know how to make fun of yourself.

Type 1 - The Pre-Med/Pre-Vet/Pre-Extremely Competitive Healthcare Program Student:

These students are all about getting A's. And I don't mean A-'s. Never trust one of these students when they say they did poorly on an exam because it probably means they received a score of 91%. They are extremely competitive and driven. While they are high-achieving students, they are not necessarily interested in whatever science classes they may be taking at the time. Often, they see these courses as a means to an end. They may get blind sighted by their need for A's and fail to see the big picture. All they want to know is, "Will this be on the exam???" After all, if they aren't going to be tested on it, why learn it? Certainly it must not be important or at all relevant to their future careers. As far as appearance goes, these students come in all varieties. But, typically, they are well -groomed, athletic, and ready to be the next "Dr. McDreamy".

Type 2 - The Field/Wildlife Biologist Student

These students are easy to pick out of the crowd because they are always dressed to be out in the field. Common accessories to their outdoor wear includes Nalgene water bottles or other resusable containers, unlike the pre-med students who sip on lattes and mochas out of non-reusable paper cups. These students tend to be very concerned about the earth and animals, but are less in tune with human concerns. If one of these students were a first responder at an emergency, they would be inclined to save the injured animals before saving any injured humans. While these students may be A students, they are not necessarily concerned with just getting A's and do not cry or become suicidal/homicidal when getting a B or even a C. In fact, they may play hooky a time or two to extend a weekend camping trip and will be able to miss class without any anxiety over their grades.

Type 3 - The Pre-Grad School Student

Students who want to attend grad school are high-achieving like the pre-med types but less driven by grades and more by the material they are learning. These students may be wildlife/field types who want to go on to grad school or may be interested in a grad program that involves lab research. These students are much quieter than the pre-med types and when they do speak up in class they tend to ask questions that nobody but the professor can understand. These are the true science nerds who do science just because they like it. They may be identified by the lap top which they bring to class to furiously type out every word the professor says. Often, these students travel alone. They also tend to silently set the curve on exams which really angers the pre-med students who cannot figure out who the curve setter was.

Type 4 - The Apathetic Student

These students were formerly pre-med or pre-grad school students who somewhere along the way lost hope for themselves. The apathetic students are just as bright as their peers but their grades don't always reflect this. They did not leave science for another major because they have scientific minds and can't imagine themselves doing anything else. These are the students who have somehow lost their way and are no longer sure about their future goals. Because of their lack of direction, they tend to procrastinate, skip class, and appear generally unmotivated. These are the students who sit together and make jokes out of everything while drawing cartoons or doodling instead of taking notes during lecture. Also, these students tend to be bored. They roll their eyes every time they have to hear the basics about photosynthesis and want to poke their eyes out when people ask questions in class like, "Isn't the Calvin Cycle the same as the Kreb's Cycle?" They also make fun of the pre-med students every time they take up 15 minutes of class with questions about the exam. While they have higher expectations for themselves than would appear, they have found comfort in not giving it their all because then they always have an excuse when their performance is less than desired. At one point, they may have cried over a B. These days, they are just happy to pass their classes.

Going Soft

2009-03-07T20:36:00.000-08:00

I will be the first to admit that I have made such comments as, "If I wanted a 4.0 I would have been a psychology major." I have been disgruntled about how those "other" majors have it easier because they don't have classes on Friday or 3 hour labs to attend. I have, at times, said snobby things about social scientists. And, I'm sorry. I should know better. I come from a non-traditional academic background and in my 200+ undergraduate credits, have gained a great appreciation for a wide range of academic disciplines. I have learned an immense amount from not just my science professors, but psychology professors and writing professors alike. I should REALLY know better because I have been adopted into social science/humanities professor circles and know from first-hand experience that these professors are just as intelligent as my chemistry professors. So, I do not take it personally when chemistry students stop me in the hall and say things like, "How is the biology department? Aren't you sick of just counting squirrels all day?" or "I heard you became a psych major. Oh, you became a biology major, same thing." There is a certain level of friendly academic jousting among disciplines. But, there is also a serious misconception about the "hard sciences" and the "soft sciences" and it is unfortunate. Many, though certainly not all, professors and students in the physical sciences truly believe that they are doing "real" science and that somehow they are superior as a result. I have also been in psychology classes (not with R.W-S!) where the professor has completely skipped over the biological sections saying, "Well we'll leave that to the biologists." (hmmm, last I checked you can't have a brain without biology and you can't have psychology without a brain) Yes, there are distinct differences between the methodologies of these branches of science but there has to be. In some ways, I think social science is more difficult than physical science. Trying to understand the complexities of human cognitive processes or the intricacies of an entire culture is quite the task. It is easy to do lab experiments in which you can control the number of variables. In areas of social science, there are numerous variables that can be impossible to control for. At its root, science is about trying to understand the world around us, from the way molecules interact to the way humans interact. There are those that understand molecules better than people and those that understand people better than molecules. This is a good thing! Let's all have a bit more respect for each other and remember that whether we realize it or not, our academic disciplines do overlap in the real world and we have valuable information to share amongst ourselves.

Publish or Perish OR Publish and Perish?

2009-03-07T20:29:00.000-08:00

The following article was published in the Chronicle of Higher Education News Blog. It reports that plagiarism is not uncommon in primary scientific articles. Based on the story below, it seems that the majority of the plagiarism is unintentional. The predominant issue is that far too many researchers are publishing "original" ideas without giving credit to previously published research documenting the same ideas. With so many online article databases, I wonder how this is happening? Are researchers in such a hurry to submit their work that they are failing to take the time to do proper background research? Or, are there too many scientists out there without the proper tools to thoroughly research the topic they are invesigating? Either way, this is an excellent example of why it is important to develop these skills because, clearly, even peer-reviewed academic journals are not perfect.

March 6, 2009

Plagiarism in Science Research Is Often Ignored, Studies Find

Washington — Shock. Denial. Disbelief. Sadness. Regret. Embarrassment.
Those, according to a commentary published today in Science magazine, are some of the reactions from both scientists and science journals when they are found to be involved in cases of potential plagiarism.
The commentary was offered by researchers at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center at Dallas, who used a computer-based text-searching tool to analyze millions of randomly selected research abstracts.
The analysis of Medline, a database of biomedical research articles, found 9,120 entries “with high levels of citation similarity and no overlapping authors,” including 212 pairs of articles “with signs of potential plagiarism,” the researchers wrote.
The lead author, Harold Garner, a professor of biochemistry and internal medicine at the medical center, said he and his colleagues then conducted a survey of the authors and journal editors, promising them anonymity. The survey responses, Mr. Garner wrote, included explanations, denials, embarrassed apologies, and some retractions. Among the original authors, he wrote, 93 percent were not aware of the duplicate article.
Mr. Garner also wrote an article for Nature, published in January 2008, titled “A Tale of Two Citations,” that reported a similar finding: His computerized search of several million scientific-journal articles revealed thousands of cases in which one article had large similarities with another article.
Both of Mr. Garner’s articles were based on research involving the Medline database and UT Southwestern’s computer-based text-searching tool, eTBLAST. And in both articles, Mr. Garner suggested that the size and severity of this problem continued to be ignored by publishers.
The Nature article warned against both plagiarism by another author and “self plagiarism,” in which the same author or authors present duplicate findings to different journals.
Mr. Garner nevertheless said that his Science magazine report represents a significant advance over his earlier article in Nature. The survey published in Science, while anonymous, prompted 83 internal investigations at scientific journals, which in turn led to 43 cases in which an article was retracted, he said.
That compares to only 17 such retractions last year, which is a more typical annual figure, he said.
Such a case of plagiarism or duplication can have serious medical consequences, Mr. Garner said, as it could lead a doctor who is investigating a patient’s condition to believe a scientific finding is more recent, or perhaps more reliable, because of its repeated appearance in medical journals. —Paul Basken

http://chronicle.com/news/article/6080/plagiarism-in-science-research-is-often-ignored-studies-find-twice

Coming Out of the Style Closet

2009-02-28T14:26:00.001-08:00

In my very first post, I described being caught between wanting to be respected as a scientist and wanting to be true to myself. I discussed how I had given up the "girly" things I liked in order to tame down my look and blend in. It wasn't something I did all at once. It was a slow transformation. I stopped wearing bright nail polish, then gave up the flashy jewelry, eventually I only wore heels on special occassions, and finally ended up with a comparatively drab wardrobe.

Recently, I've broken out of my shell. I'm back to being a fashion statement. I wear skirts, and heels, and nail polish to science lab (gasp!). I've heard comments such as, "Are you trying to get a man? Science majors don't dress this good." One of my professors comments about my "clicky" shoes every day she see me. I have decided that it's ok if I stand out. I feel more confident. One of my good friends (who was a large encouragement in bringing back my style) asked, "How does it feel to wake up every morning and be the shit?" It feels fabulous!!! I'm not your average science nerd so why should I pretend to be? I like science and fashion and I'm no longer afraid to admit it. My IQ hasn't changed just because I traded in my fleece jacket for a form fitting blazer.

Popular Science

2009-02-26T13:26:00.000-08:00

While discussing a book which was assigned reading for my Evolution course, several of my fellow classmates complained about the book's "fluffiness". The book, Beak of the Finch, is classified in the popular science category and thus is written to target the general population (and by general, I mean someone with a basic understanding of science) . My classmates, who are used to having scientific information delivered to them in a concise and sterile tone, were frustrated by the anecdotes, adjectives, metaphors, and other such creative content contained in the text. I can sympathize with their frustration. Scientific minds are different. I know, I have one. We want facts and data - and we don't want to know how you feel about the data. Despite this, I still appreciate - and dare I say enjoy - such works of popular science. Come on, how many of us really find journal articles to be exciting reads? Do you sit on the edge of your chair just dying to find out what happens in the methods section? Do you stay up late because you just cannot put down that stack of articles from PNAS?

Well -written works of popular science are both important for scientists and non-scientists alike. Besides pumping life into material that is mostly described in dry, uncreative ways, popular science texts bridge the gap between scientists and everyone else. Why is this important? So many reasons!!!

For the non-scientists:
Science is very much a part of your life. Popular science books can help you make educated decisions about the medication you take, the car you drive, and the food you buy, to name a few things. These books are informative BUT fun to read. And, you don't have to sit through any science classes to get the information.

For the scientists:
First of all, if you would rather read a journal article...... seek help. You need some variety in your life. It's ok to have fun. Stop being such a tight arse.
Second of all, being able to communicate science in a way that non-scientists can understand is a crucial skill. Unfortunately, many of you SUCK at it. Why is it important? Because there are plenty of non-science types that are making critical decisions about science. How do we expect people to make informed decisions about global warming, stem cell research, immunizing their children, and alternative energy if they don't understand the basic science behind these topics? How do we expect people to stop thinking that evolution is atheism if we can't explain the science of evolution to them in a way they can comprehend? Popular science books can be fun to read, but they can also help us learn how to talk about our research in a way that won't make people fall asleep. I'm not saying that you should dumb down your work. I'm not saying that I want my lab reports to be works of creative writing or that peer-reviewed journals should start publishing cartoons and poetry. What I'm saying is that as scientists we have a responsibility to communicate with the public. Do we really trust FOX news and CNN to accurately pass along our findings? I sure don't.

This discussion has made me remember what I am really passionate about. I was starting to feel quite defeated but now I remember that there is a special niche for me. I'm the girl in the middle. I'm not a science genius but I have the ability to critically analyze scientific information and put it into my own words. I enjoy translating science. I enjoy bringing spark into what others may see as dull.

Where Did my Dreams Go?

2009-02-22T00:12:00.000-08:00

It's been a while. Yes, it's been over 8 months since I've posted a blog entry. I was just reading my last entry and it made me sad. I sound like such a go-getter in that post. I sound determined to not give-up. A part of me misses that confidence and determination and another, more cynical part of me, wonders if I was just fooling myself. Was I just chasing wild dreams? Were my goals just delusions of grandeur? Had I really found my passion, my niche, my place in the world? I wish I knew. But more importantly, I wish I had some dreams and goals today, whether they be unrealistic or not. I have always loved the quote by Langston Hughes: "Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams dies, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly." While my dreams and goals have changed throughout my life, I have always had them. They kept me going. They gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. They gave me hope. Now, for the first time since I can remember, I feel dreamless. I feel like I'm living day by day, just hoping to pass my classes and pay my bills. I know I want a college degree (in anything at this point), but I have no idea what I want to do with it. I don't have any direction and it's driving me insane. Am I still a sassy scientist? I don't know. I don't know if the D's and F's that are on my transcript from last year are a reflection of my ability or a reflection of not trying hard enough or just a reflection of a bad year. I don't know if changing my major to biology (yes, it's true, Chemistrina has left chemistry) was giving up or running away or just plain laziness. I know that I think my classes are boring and finding the motivation to pull myself through them has been excruciating. I know that I have turned into the student who skims the chapter summaries right before the exams in hopes of just getting a C. I know that I have become the student who misses classes and often comes late. I know that I can't seem to turn in assignments on time. I know that I usually draw pictures instead of taking notes in class and that time seems to tick by so very slowly during lectures that I can barely stand it. So, there you have it, it has taken me months to gather up the courage to put this out here. I know all this is happening but I don't know why. I've never, until now, been this kind of person. In this detached phase I am experiencing, I haven't felt that I had much to say about my journey as an aspiring scientist, hence the 8 months of silence.

On a happier note, my lack of studying has provided me with the time to go to the gym 5 times a week, watch plenty of enertaining TV sitcoms, and read books that are not in any sense academic. I also get much more sleep since I've thrown in the towel when it comes to staying up half the night studying.

As with most everything in life, nobody can really help me but myself. So, I keep on skating by, hoping that tomorrow I will suddenly come up with a brilliant plan for my future. It turns out that Google does not provide useful answers when you search for such things as, "What should I do with my life?" and "How do I find a dream?" As I wait for Google's search engine to improve, at least I am increasing my muscle mass and becoming knowledgable in TV trivia.

I Have Nothing to Prove

2008-06-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, as I walked up to the science building to take my last final I suddenly came to a realization. I realized why I've been avoiding the chemistry department. For some time now, I have spent the minimal amount of time required of me in that building: I go to class and then quickly leave. Aside from with one professor, who is different from the others, I keep my conversations strictly business. And even then, I'd rather Wikipedia the damn question than go talk to any of them. I've been puzzled about my attitude. Those of you who visited me at "my table" in the halls of my previous science building can understand what a stark contrast this is to how I used to be. The science building at my other campus feels like a second home. It's warm and inviting and I feel enveloped with positive energy when I walk in the building. Sure I had rough days there, but mostly the days at "my table" are remembered fondly. I grew up there. I went from being an unconfident, shy (it's true!!!), quiet (also true!), and unhappy teenager to an obstreperous, sassy, confident, passionate, high-achieving, science-loving young woman in those hallways. Those science classes and the professors who taught them (and of course some of the non-science courses as well!) helped me to find my light. Being in that building brought out the best in me. I was surrounded by people who made it unmistakebly clear that they believed in me and expected nothing but greatness from me. It wasn't that they kept me under liters of pressure or that they spoon-fed me to success. Just knowing that they saw such potential in me was enough to inspire me. I had my own internal motivation but plenty of external motivation as well. The external motivation is missing now. The science building feels cold and uninviting. Yes, the department is small and everyone knows me but still I feel invisible. I feel like I am constantly expected to prove my worth in the department and that if I fail to do so nobody is really going to care (except that one professor). I know that I need to be able to depend on my internal motivation because I can't always count on others to give me that support and encouragement. I know that the environment I had at my other campus was rare. I also know that it makes things a hell of a lot harder without that external motivation. That is why I've been avoiding the building. Why should I prove myself to you if you don't even care whether I succeed as a scientist or not? Ok, maybe you care but only because you want retention in your department not because you have any interest in me as an individual . I love science and I'll always love science. It's who I am. I can fail exams, I can fail out of the department, but you can't take away my passion for the subject. It's always been a part of me and always will be. It seems like every other week there is an article in the news about how we don't have enough scientists in this country. So, here I am, a young woman who has demonstrated passion and aptitude for the subject. What more do I have to prove? Those two qualities are hard enough to find (three counting the fact that I'm a woman). Stop making me prove myself at every moment. Stop threatening that I might be "weeded out". You aren't doing yourself, me, or science, a favor by trying to see if I'm weak enough to break. Oh, and by the way, there's no breaking this one.
My intramolecular forces are far too strong.

I'm a scientist, not a super hero!

2008-03-05T23:12:00.000-08:00

I said I wanted to be a chemist, not a super-human freak of nature. I'm a supporter of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Who decided that scientists are above the rest of society and don't need that category of the pyramid entitled "BASIC NEEDS"? There is a reason why those basic needs (water, food, sleep, breathing, homeostasis, excretion) are at the FOUNDATION of the pyramid. They aren't supposed to be optional. I would like to point out that eating and sleeping are placed in the same category as breathing and excretion. So, if you (whoever you are) think that I should deny myself food and sleep for the sake of my success then that is as ludricous as saying I should hold my breath and never go to the bathroom. If dedication is about ignoring basic human needs then I guess I better have a catheter strapped to my leg because we all know bathroom breaks are a huge waste of time.

I'm smart. I work hard. I have what it takes. What I don't have is the ability to sacrifice my basic human needs in order to rise to the echelons of the scientific community. I surrender. You win. You're better than me because you don't have to eat or sleep or piss or breathe. Yay for you. I'm out to find the balance between science and a sound mind. I think it is absolutely ridiculous that I should even have to think about sacrificing so much of life in order to be successful and I refuse to play that game. Maybe I won't graduate with honors, maybe I won't have pages upon pages listing my publications, maybe few people will know who I am and what I do, maybe I'll never win an award during my career. BUT, I don't care. I won't feel like I'm less successful. I'm out to find the career that lets me love science but also lets me eat, sleep, socialize, and be human. I want all the levels of the pyramid, including the foundation.

A Chemical Valentine: Exploring my Love for Chemistry

2008-02-13T00:23:00.000-08:00

In case anyone asks, "Did you ever have days where you weren't excited about chemistry?" The answer is officially, "Yes". I am known for my enthusiasm, my eagerness to learn, and my curiousity. But, lateley, I'm not feeling any of those things. I find myself fantasizing about having a job naming paint colors, or being a tattoo artist, or just running away to become a professional beach bum. Sure, I know I'd get bored, but that doesn't take away from the great illusion of being well rested, perfectly content, and permanently sun-kissed. It concerns me that I don't have that spark of excitement in my eyes at all times and that everything just feels like WORK. I thought I'd never feel this way. I thought that chemistry would always be fun, no matter how challenging it became. I really believed that my excitement was just who I was and that it set me apart. Now I feel like another whiner..... "this is hard, I'm tired, why do I have to do this, I just want to sleep, I need a vacation, whine whine whine. I wonder if this is normal? Do people who are passionate about their area of study go through a honeymoon phase? I wonder if it's like a relationship, you start out in limmerance with dopamine and other mood lifting neurotransmitters flooding your brain and you think that you'll feel like that forever. Inevitably the newness wears off. If you're lucky, though, you find someone who you love even without those mood lifting neurotransmitters. Some days they might not be your favorite person. Sometimes they might annoy you. Every once in a while you need to go away for the weekend. That doesn't mean you want to cut them out of your life or divorce them. I think this is how I'm feeling about chemistry right now. I love it dearly. I'm committed to it. I want to live with it forever. It's still my favorite subject and I can't imagine life without it. But relationships take a lot of time, a lot of work, and a lot of sacrifice and so does chemistry. So, you may ask, how do I have time to blog? Why am I not working on my studies? Or, better yet, why am I not sleeping right now? Well, it turns out blogging is much cheaper than therapy.

BEWARE: Someday I may mention you in my book!!!

2008-01-15T19:30:00.000-08:00

Let me begin this post by making the following disclaimer:

There are many people in my life whose words I remember because of the positive influence they have on my scientific journey as well as my life in general. Hint: you people are the ones who actually get to read my blog. In addition, I'm not out to keep a list of people who I'm going to retaliate against one day because they said something ridiculous. In fact, I'm sure, that some (not all) of the people who make comments like the one I'm about to describe do not mean to discourage, slander, discriminate or otherwise sound like a jerk. But, here is my rant:

Today, Dr. P said the following, "There are two types of scientists: physicists and stamp collectors. In other words, those who know and understand what they are doing and those who don't know what they are doing. I call those who don't know what they are doing stamp collectors because their science is really just a hobby and once someone finds out that they
don't understand what they are doing they will have to find a new hobby."

Are you F***ING kidding me??? Yeah, totally, it's that black and white. Real science and fake science. This is what was going on in my head but I played Dr.P's game. I decided to ask him a few questions about himself and pretended to be genuinely interested in what he had to say. He seems like the type that wants to tell you all about how great he is (since he's a real scientist and all). And, I actually am interested, but not in an admiration kind of way- more like a "how the hell did you get these crazy ideas in your head?" kind of way. He revealed that his Ph.D. is in physical chemistry from a rather respected institution. So, Dr. P, why didn't you just become a physicist? Then you could really know everything.

Does the guy really mean what he said? Does he have any clue how pompous he sounds? Does he realize that his class is full of people who have dreams and goals, many of which do not include much beyond a general physics understanding? Does he realize that some of us have had to work our asses off to come this far and that despite the fact that quantum mechanics are not our cup of tea we actually are valuable individuals who have much to offer the scientific community?

I'm smart enough to know that as much as I disagree with the guy, I have to keep my mouth shut and make the best out of the situation for my own sake. For now, I'll smile, I'll laugh at your jokes, I'll come to you for help, I'll let you talk about yourself and tell me how grand you are. But, watch out Dr. P, you may just be mentioned in my book someday. And, it won't be on account of your mentoring skills.

Implanting Embryos Versus Implanting Knowledge

2007-10-07T11:24:00.001-07:00

I am the oldest of my two sisters and thirteen cousins. I grew up in a close family where my cousins were like siblings. As a result, there were always babies in my life. For as far back as I can remember I have been changing diapers, burping babies, putting babies to sleep, giving babies their bottles, bathing babies, and dressing babies. I adored every baby in my family, but most of all my sisters. They were "my babies" and this is how I introduced them to people. I loved nothing more than helping my mom take care of them. Luckily, they have no permanent damage from a three year old carrying them around the house or putting them in a doll carriage. When I was 13 I job shadowed a doctor and watched a birth because I wanted to become an obstetrician (I gave that up once I learned that obstetricians are also gynecologists!). I have been crocheting baby booties since I was 15.

Call it a biological clock, or societal conditioning, or a result of my upbringing, or a combination of all three. Whatever it is, babies turn me to mush. Bring a baby in the room and all of my cynical, jaded wit is transformed into something I don't recognize. I become one of those strange people who wants to see the tiny little baby toes and who changes her voice to sound like a cheerleader who just inhaled helium. It's pathetic but the babies seem entertained.

As much as I love babies thinking of having my own someday brings up all kinds of questions and concerns. When I turned 23, the age my mother was when she had me, I thanked her for not killing me. Hell, I can barely keep a plant alive let alone a tiny human that can't talk and is dependent upon you for EVERYTHING. A part of me worries that I will miss my chance to have kids. I worry about finding someone to have one with (though these days that's not crucial). I worry that between school and a career there just won't be a good time to have a baby. I also worry that I'm just not cut out to be a mom. I fear that I will be one of those workaholic parents who is scarce. How does one find the energy and patience to work all day and then come home exhausted to juice boxes and Barney?

Then I consider the joy of being around those little minds. Sure, my childhood wasn't all roses and puppy dogs. But looking back, I realize I had it good. My mother was exceptional at letting me explore the world and learn by doing things. When I was two we were living in Germany and our back porch was filled with planter boxes. My mom designated one of the boxes as "Christina's garden" and let me have the whole thing to myself. I collected rocks and pinecones for my garden and with the help of my mom planted flowers and watched them grow. She let me catch bugs and bring them in the house. We even kept a caterpillar and watched as it went into a cocoon and hatched as a butterfly. We made our own playdough. She let me spend hours reading books in trees. She didn't complain when I did science experiments in the kitchen. She even bought me a microscope for Christmas one year. She never once yelled at me for painting myself with mud or mixing together strange concoctions of leaves, twigs and rainwater in the backyard.

I think I owe it to my mom, to society, and to myself, to foster a love for learning among those little minds. Perhaps I won't get the chance to pass on my genetics but I know first-hand that genes aren't everything. I like to believe that crossing over did not occur when I was being created and that I am a product of only my mother's gametes. If that isn't true than the only thing I got from the XY DNA is a lack of serotonin and the eyesight of an 80 year old who has presbyopia, myopia, and multiple cataracts.

Passing on your genes is one thing, but passing on your knowledge is what really makes you immortal.

Can You Hear Me Now?

2007-10-01T19:33:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me well knows that I am not quiet. In fact, I have a bit of a volume control problem. My voice tends to fluctuate from a bearly audible whisper directly to an enthusiastic shriek that carries across rooms and hallways; there is not much middle ground when it comes to my voice. The whisper and loud shriek are definitely not in equilibrium as the loud shriek is favored and more energetically stable. As a result, I don't have much trouble making myself heard. Much of the time when I think I am being quiet the whole room can hear me. And let's not even talk about what happens when you get me laughing!

If being heard was all about volume, matters would be simplified. However, as we are all aware, being heard is also about effectively communicating yourself. Of course we all find ourselves having communication breakdowns now and then but typically I am used to having my opinions heard, even respected. I currently find myself in a situation where I feel that I'm not being listened to and I don't like it! I am in a leadership role at school and while I get the impression that the faculty respect my opinions and ideas I don't feel that my fellow peer leaders are very receptive to what I have to say. I don't know how to make myself heard without sounding overbearing or bossy. It's not that I want everything done my way, I just want to know that my ideas are being considered instead of feeling like they are being shot down on the spot.

Since I am so in tune with issues that women in science or in leadership roles face, I fear that I am just extra sensitive. You know, when you study a certain subject intently and you start to see it everywhere? Well, I don't want that to happen here. I don't want to cry, "Oh, the boys won't listen to me!" But yet, when one of the guys repeated an idea I had to the head of our group it suddenly was accepted. Did he actually not hear me? Is it because I am new and I haven't proven myself yet? Is it because he doesn't like me? Am I intimidating?

I want to be heard and it's not just about me. It's about the other students that we are supposed to be leading. I care about what they think of us. I care that we present ourselves in an organized and enthusiastic manner so that we can inspire these students to get involved.

I want to be heard but I also want to make friends, not enemies.

The Need to Achieve

2007-09-08T15:20:00.000-07:00

There are few things in life that I consciously complete in a half-assed manner: making my bed, sweeping the floor, folding my clothes, and other such domestic duties. Hence the card on my bulletin board that says "domestically disabled".

With just about everything else in life, I strive to do my best. Yes, I know- perfection is an unattainable goal. No worries, I gave up perfection a few years ago. While I can give up being perfect, there is no giving up my innate need to put my all into everything. Most of the time, this need to achieve serves me well. It makes me a model student, an ideal employee....and oh, here lies the catch. The catch is that when you put all of yourself into everthing you do there isn't much room in your life.

I thrive on work and school. I complain about how I'm busy, tired, and don't have time for other activities. But, despite my complaints, I'm happy. I crave the hustle and bustle. I love being challenged. And for now, I suppose it is great that I am this way. It will get me through grad school and land me a great job. But then what?

While I'm not about to change my ways any time soon, I am aware that I need some balance. I need to take the time to foster relationships, to engage in activities away from work and school, and to enjoy my youth before it passes me by. Easier said than done.

My fear is not that I won't reach my academic or career goals but that I won't have the other things in my life that I would someday like to have. I guess, what I mean to say, is that I don't want to be alone. I also want to be a stellar mom, a great wife, and a loyal friend. I want to achieve at these things as well. I want to have it all. Right now, today, I'm not ready to say that I am willing to sacrifice any of these. I know I may have to, and that knowledge won't keep me from following the path I am following. But I also know that I have done a lot of things I didn't think I could. Perhaps I will be able to have it all. Only time will tell.

Ready to Conquer the World

2007-08-23T21:41:00.000-07:00

I do not mean to imply that I wish to actually conquer the world. What I mean to say is that I am on the road to achieving more than I ever dreamed of. No longer do I cower in the shadows fearing incompetency, I say "Bring it on. If I can't do it, I'll learn how."

Last week I went to Xtown to attend an orientation and register for fall term courses. Being there made me reflect on how much I have changed, for the better, in the past three years. It was only three short years ago that I moved back to Ytown after moving away for a year. The circumstances of my move, both away from and back to Ytown, were certaintly not anything I want to brag about. Let's just say I did not have my shit together.

I found happiness in the most unexpected of places: in the periodic table, in dimensional analysis, in writing academically founded arguments, in taking derivatives, and in conversing with like-minded individuals who understood me. I learned to think for myself. I learned to like myself. As cliche as this sounds I cannot explain how free it feels to walk around happy in your own skin.

Never have I doubted that I liked science. What I did doubt was my ability to DO science. I was convinced I was stupid. Now I know that not only am I smart, I'm a hot ticket! I'm intelligent, have great work ethic, learn quickly, go above and beyond, and even have some decent social skills.

I no longer apologize for my existence. Instead, I shout "Watch out world, here I come!"

Thank you to everyone who has made me feel like a star. I'm the confident, happy, successful, lively person I am today because YOU took the time to show me how capable you believe I am.

Is there an equation for that move?

2007-08-08T21:59:00.000-07:00

It is no secret that science is my passion in life. If you want to see me saturated with enthusiasm just engage me in conversation regarding such topics as nuclear magnetic resonance, bacterial communication through quorom sensing, levels of protein structure, or nucleophilic substitution reactions. I admit that NOVA Science Now is one of my favorite television shows and that I anxiously await the arrival of my weekly edition of Chemical & Engineering News. As proud as I am to be a gushing science nerd, I think it is important to be a multi-faceted individual. This summer, my sister and I are taking weekly belly dancing courses. How is that for multi-faceted?

I have been intrigued with belly dancing for several years now. One of the things I find most appealing about this dance is how it embraces all body types. There is no need to go on a ballerina diet it you want to belly dance. In fact, it seems that the curves (the ones we are SUPPOSED to have) of a women are what makes it so beautiful. I admire that belly dancers are confident in exposing their bellies, whatever size they may be.

What I had not realized about belly dancing was how it would challenge me to think in a way I am not accustomed to. The way I think when I am doing science is the way I think about the world much of the time. My analytical, logical, and systematic critical thinking does not stay at my desk when I leave for the day. During belly dancing class I find myself wanting to shout, "Can you draw a diagram of that move using arrows to show the direction of muscle movement?" or "Is there an equation for that move?" When I fall behind in class I stop moving and observe the teacher, an intense look of concentration upon my face. During one of these moments, a couple of classes ago, I looked over at my sister. I could tell she was a bit lost too. However, she wasn't just standing there analyzing the situation. She was dancing away to her own interpration of the move. She didn't care that she couldn't follow each precise movement that the teacher was making. Looking at her made me realize that standing there was just making me fall behind further. I'm so used to being in my head that it feels strange to just let my body move in a free fall sort of way. An unexpected outcome of this course is that I am learning that sometimes in life you should just stop thinking and do something already; there is a such thing as OVER analysis. Maybe before my next class I should hit happy hour to quiet my frontal lobe a bit.

Thanks sis, for not being afraid to be who you are :).

Red Nail Polish and Safety Glasses

2007-08-05T17:30:00.000-07:00

As a little girl I was different: you could not categorize me as a "tomboy" or a "girlie girl". I loved to wear dresses but also climb trees, and yes, I climbed tress while wearing dresses. I insisted on painting my nails an array of different colors but never did this stop me from getting my polished fingers into a mud puddle to create squishy mud pies. To school, I wore bows in my braided long hair but at recess I played with the boys. After all, they were the ones who knew how to have fun at recess by using the time to unearth beetles and worms. My favorite picture of me as a girl depicts this dichotomy perfectly: I am wearing my pink glasses and my nails are painted bright red. Yet, my hands are muddy and I am proudly holding up a large toad I had just caught at the lake.

I hadn't thought about this in many years, until recently, when realizing how my wardrobe has changed in the past few years. I used to concern myself much more with looking fashionable and trendy. These days, being trendy seems like too much work. I have better things to think about and pour my time and energy into (not to mention my money). But for some reason, maybe because it is summer, I have been more observant of young women my age who have darling little handbags to go with their cutsie little shoes that go perfect with their jewelry and nice clothes. Part of me says- yuck, barbie girls. The other part thinks, "have I let myself go?" People wouldn't guess I think this. I put up a front that says "I don't care about this stuff, I'm an intellectual with better things on my mind." Much of the time this front is probably the reality but at times, secretly, I yearn to be told I'm pretty. I do care when I go out with my more "done up" girlfriends and the guys oogle over them.

It seems the dichotomy from my youth has become much more complex. You see, I want to be taken seriously and to be seen as a smart woman. Yet, I don't want to give up all of my feminine indulgences. It's true- I like painting my nails, wearing jewelry, and having nice clothes. But I feel like wearing nail polish and black dress pants makes you look awfully silly when you are working in a chemistry lab. I feel like wearing a skirt to class when you are a chemistry major makes you look like you belong in a different department. I catch myself thinking, "this shirt is way too girly for work" or "I better avoid the red nail polish and stick with the clear." Why? Why do I feel like I have to tone my femininity down? I'm not sure what it is I'm picking up on, maybe it's just me, but I tend to be dead on when it comes to these unspoken rules.